Today, we get ready to watch my oldest “step”-grandson (from my marriage to my late husband) marry his sweetheart this evening. It will be a fun wedding, cowboy style, in the pasture with reception dinner and dancing to follow. These moments and days are bittersweet. These are the days when my past life and present life collide a bit more, and emotions tend to be more unpredictable. It’s now five years post loss. Greg’s absence is always more “acute” at events such as this. This is his first grandchild getting married. I know that my stepdaughter will very deeply miss her father’s presence at the wedding. Tonight, my new husband will accompany me, and sit on the front “family” row, as the place by my side now belongs to him. I am so thankful that he has been welcomed into the family with open arms, and that I continue to be a loved and special part of my late husband’s family. And, that he also has welcomed them into his life. Our blended family is quite complex. On both sides. I am so blessed and thankful for this new love and this precious man to share my life with. There was a day when I couldn’t imagine it, and now I cannot imagine not having him in my life. I believe he and Greg were just both meant to have a place in this journey that is my life and in my heart. Thankfully, there are no limits to love and no limits on how much or many our hearts can hold.
Today has been one of those days. I worked in my Perryton office, rather than the Borger office, where I spend most of my working time these days. Maybe that was part of it. The weather changed. It was definitely a chilly, damp, cloudy Fall kind of day. Maybe the change in seasons is part of the reason. I have worked in the Perryton office several times since Greg passed, so I don’t know what makes today one of “those” days…a day I’m calling a “setback day”, simply because I don’t know what else to say to describe it. But, here I am, a year and four months past the date of his passing. And, all day it felt so unreal. Like all the space between was erased, and I had to keep reminding myself that he is gone. It started this morning when an ambulance went down Main St., and I caught myself thinking, as I used to do when this same event happened, that I should call Greg, just make sure it wasn’t him and that he was fine. Then I remembered that no, it wasn’t him, that he wasn’t fine, and all the stuff that happened from diagnosis of his brain tumor, to his death. All day I felt as if he should be coming to get me for lunch, should be down at the glass shop working away, that he should be coming home saying “what’s for dinner?” It feels so surreal again. Yep, well over a year later…a setback day. Strange how they just come along for no apparent reason. I wonder what makes it feel so fresh all over again. Just musing aloud, there…I know there isn’t a definitive answer to that question.
are hard to come by these days. The pain of losing my one true love permeates every part of my existence. Grief. I hesitate to write much about it on my blog, but…at the same time…it is my blog. My musings about my life. And now, grief is a part of my life’s daily journey. This is the road I’m walking now. How can I not write about it? I can’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. That it isn’t now a part of me. Grief is not something you feel for a few days after the loss, and then it’s all better…you just get up, go on, move on. No…it’s not neat and tidy like that. It’s messy, it is rough around the edges, jagged, a wound that keeps bleeding. It has a life and a movement of it’s own. It’s like an ocean, ebbing and flowing, calming at times, and then crashing back over you in big, uncontrollable waves. Some days you are stronger, and some days you feel as if you absolutely cannot do this. But, you must. There is no escape. You must travel on down the rough, rocky road. Your friends and loved ones hurt with you, and for you, and naturally want to make it better, but no one can bear this pain for you. It is yours. Yours alone. It is unique to you. Grief is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There is no time limit on it. I don’t write to be melodramatic, or depressing, offending, or for attention, or sympathy. Just to be real. Honest. I read in a book on grief that stating what you are feeling can be helpful. Even as I write, I am hesitant to push the “publish” button, to share something so deeply personal to me with “the whole world”, but maybe it will not just be helpful to me, but someone else out there that is being tossed about in their own personal ocean of grief. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to share this.
Now that I have gotten those thoughts down, and out there, back to the topic of this post. Smiles. Yes, they are fewer and farther between these days. But, this is what made me smile this morning…backyard visitors…a toad, a frog, and a turtle. When your heart is broken, it’s the first thought that crosses your mind when you wake up in the morning. The pain is fresh all over again. But, I got up…let my dogs out…started a pot of coffee…and stepped out in the backyard with them. First, I found the toad, then the frog. Anyone that has read my blog for any length of time knows how I love God’s creatures. He gave me heart full of love for them. Some people find toads and frogs yucky. Not me. I think they are adorable. Then, after letting the dogs back in and feeding them, and giving Libby her insulin, I got a cup of coffee and we went back out in the yard. And, then I saw the turtle. I immediately went in the house to rummage up some food for it. I picked baby carrots, a tangelo, and some apple slices. And, yes…I smiled as I watched it eating an apple slice.
I do hope I get to see my little visitor again.