Today has been one of those days. I worked in my Perryton office, rather than the Borger office, where I spend most of my working time these days. Maybe that was part of it. The weather changed. It was definitely a chilly, damp, cloudy Fall kind of day. Maybe the change in seasons is part of the reason. I have worked in the Perryton office several times since Greg passed, so I don’t know what makes today one of “those” days…a day I’m calling a “setback day”, simply because I don’t know what else to say to describe it. But, here I am, a year and four months past the date of his passing. And, all day it felt so unreal. Like all the space between was erased, and I had to keep reminding myself that he is gone. It started this morning when an ambulance went down Main St., and I caught myself thinking, as I used to do when this same event happened, that I should call Greg, just make sure it wasn’t him and that he was fine. Then I remembered that no, it wasn’t him, that he wasn’t fine, and all the stuff that happened from diagnosis of his brain tumor, to his death. All day I felt as if he should be coming to get me for lunch, should be down at the glass shop working away, that he should be coming home saying “what’s for dinner?” It feels so surreal again. Yep, well over a year later…a setback day. Strange how they just come along for no apparent reason. I wonder what makes it feel so fresh all over again. Just musing aloud, there…I know there isn’t a definitive answer to that question.
Category: quilting
I have been doing some….
QUILTING!! I finally finished a couple lap quilts, that only needed binding finished and labeled. One, I started before Greg’s diagnosis. The other, a gift for a friend, I started while he was still in the LTACH, but I was spending a few days home, and a few days there, dividing my time between him, work, and things that needed tended to at home. Anyway, it feels good to finally have them finished.
This one is the gift for a friend. She flew from her home in Arkansas, to spend a few days with me in Lubbock, while Greg was still in the main hospital, and I was barely holding myself together. The emotional and mental support she gave me those few days meant so much. It’s a 1600 quilt made from a jelly roll. This first photo is “pre-washing”. I quilted it with the Seven Treasures of Buddha (aka orange peel) template boards from Circle Lord. Love them!!
I liked it before, but I love the look of it after washing and drying. It makes it look so “quilty”. 🙂
This one is Boxed In, another jelly roll quilt, from Heather Mulder Peterson’s book, Let the Good Times Roll. I quilted it with a holly berry pattern, as the fabrics are Christmas themed. I used QD wool batting in this one. It’s the first time I have washed and dried a quilt with a wool batting, and it washed up beautifully! I had lost the good lighting to take a photo after washing, so this one is before.
I started a little table runner for fall. This is from a kit that I purchased form Cheryl’s Quilt Corner in Guymon, Ok, back in 2009. It is designed by Judy Rice. It’s all ready to go on the longarm. I love pumpkins. For some reason, they just make me smile.
And, I’m working on a large king size quilt for a “special someone” that has come into my life. It’s an Eleanor Burns pattern, from her Still Stripping book.
I haven’t been keeping up with any blog reading, and I discovered this evening that I seem to have lost all the quilting blog subscriptions that I had in Google Reader. I thought I had successfully exported them to the new Google apps thingy. Guess I didn’t. Oh well…no big deal thing…I will start building a new list, and hope to be stopping by to see some of you again. 🙂
I. Am. Still. Here.
Wow. I cannot believe almost a whole year has passed since I posted here last. It really just became more than I could keep up with. Don’t expect to see a whole lot here, still…I’ve only recently even begun to work on my quilting projects again. But, I have started picking it back up, and maybe I will get around to posting about it again soon. I did give up all customer quilting. I just can’t handle that at this point, along with rebuilding my life and dealing with my regular job. I have been through a lot of changes this past year, some good things along with the pain. So, I will start by dipping my toes back in ever so slightly and see how this goes. Will I stay at it? Who knows. 🙂
Backyard Surprise!
Two blog posts in one day! But, this I had to share. This is one of the things that would have had me running into the house yelling “Honey! Look what I found!” I found a real treasure today. I was pulling some weeds and overgrown herbs, and it’s a wonder I didn’t step right on it. I saw it just in time. How precious is this?!
I sure hope this little one survives and stays around in the yard. I looked for others, but didn’t find anymore.
Father’s Day
My son and I went to my parents’ house yesterday. I made up my mind yesterday to try to focus on life and the loved ones still in my life, rather than spend the whole day obsessing over the one that is no longer in it. My Daddy is still alive and I did not want to regret not going to celebrate that fact on this Father’s Day weekend because I let my sadness dominate. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but I’m glad we went. I did enjoy the time with my son, my mother and my father. As much as I can enjoy anything right now. Every experience is just “different” now. I am “different”. The world looks “different”. I don’t know how to explain it really. It’s almost like you have entered a different realm. I guess it’s just a different reality. But, when you have lost someone so near and dear to you, it really does change everything. Nothing feels normal.
This transition from we, us and ours to I, me and mine is so difficult and unpleasant. Quite frankly, I hate it. You built this identity as a couple, and it’s gone in an instant. You find yourself in a position of starting over, basically. Finding a “new normal”. I am fortunate, in many regards. I realize that. I am still thankful for the many blessings in my life. I don’t want to sound as if I am not. I am fortunate in the fact that I am not in a situation many widows find themselves in…having to suddenly go out and find a job, or losing their home because they can no longer afford to live in it. I was independent in that regard, before Greg, and I am still in a position of being able to be self-sufficient, on my own.
I have been perusing quilting blogs and forums, trying to be inspired to work on my own projects again. I even went to a fabric shop open house yesterday, Lillie’s Thimble, in Pampa. I love going to fabric shops and rarely leave one without buying something, even if it’s just a spool of thread. I left empty handed. Wasn’t even tempted. The desire just isn’t there yet. I am thinking that today I might try to straighten up my quilting room…and maybe that will begin to light a fire again. It’s somewhat of a disaster in there right now. Greg was my biggest quilting fan and supporter. The first one I wanted to show when I quilted something I thought was really good. He would be just as happy and excited as I was. He bought me both of my sewing machines, my embroidery machine, and a big portion of my quilting machine. There isn’t a part of my life that he hadn’t become a big part of, as well. Quilting is no exception.
I have decisions to make, as far as my quilting is concerned. While I have no doubt that I will again be quilting…and probably sooner rather than later…it is possible that I may only be quilting for myself. I may let the customer quilting go. I will be selling our business to Greg’s son-in-law. I run all my quilting work through it. Sales tax collecting and reporting, etc. I’m not sure that I will want to have to go through setting up a new business on my own, and one thing I won’t do is run it “under the table”. It was easy to do before, since we already had a successful business established, to just add the quilting work in with it. The other side of that coin is that I will actually have more spare time now, on the weekends, in which to do customer quilting. Or, it could just be lots of spare time to work on my own stuff. Lots of things for me to ponder.
Hopefully, before long, there will be some quilting content returning. For today, I leave you with pics of four little friends on the patio:
I leave the patio light on for them at night, to draw insects. I call it the “buffet”. Haha.
Smiles…
are hard to come by these days. The pain of losing my one true love permeates every part of my existence. Grief. I hesitate to write much about it on my blog, but…at the same time…it is my blog. My musings about my life. And now, grief is a part of my life’s daily journey. This is the road I’m walking now. How can I not write about it? I can’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. That it isn’t now a part of me. Grief is not something you feel for a few days after the loss, and then it’s all better…you just get up, go on, move on. No…it’s not neat and tidy like that. It’s messy, it is rough around the edges, jagged, a wound that keeps bleeding. It has a life and a movement of it’s own. It’s like an ocean, ebbing and flowing, calming at times, and then crashing back over you in big, uncontrollable waves. Some days you are stronger, and some days you feel as if you absolutely cannot do this. But, you must. There is no escape. You must travel on down the rough, rocky road. Your friends and loved ones hurt with you, and for you, and naturally want to make it better, but no one can bear this pain for you. It is yours. Yours alone. It is unique to you. Grief is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There is no time limit on it. I don’t write to be melodramatic, or depressing, offending, or for attention, or sympathy. Just to be real. Honest. I read in a book on grief that stating what you are feeling can be helpful. Even as I write, I am hesitant to push the “publish” button, to share something so deeply personal to me with “the whole world”, but maybe it will not just be helpful to me, but someone else out there that is being tossed about in their own personal ocean of grief. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to share this.
Now that I have gotten those thoughts down, and out there, back to the topic of this post. Smiles. Yes, they are fewer and farther between these days. But, this is what made me smile this morning…backyard visitors…a toad, a frog, and a turtle. When your heart is broken, it’s the first thought that crosses your mind when you wake up in the morning. The pain is fresh all over again. But, I got up…let my dogs out…started a pot of coffee…and stepped out in the backyard with them. First, I found the toad, then the frog. Anyone that has read my blog for any length of time knows how I love God’s creatures. He gave me heart full of love for them. Some people find toads and frogs yucky. Not me. I think they are adorable. Then, after letting the dogs back in and feeding them, and giving Libby her insulin, I got a cup of coffee and we went back out in the yard. And, then I saw the turtle. I immediately went in the house to rummage up some food for it. I picked baby carrots, a tangelo, and some apple slices. And, yes…I smiled as I watched it eating an apple slice.
I do hope I get to see my little visitor again.
So Long, My Love
My sweet husband went to be with the Lord on Sunday, May 22nd. Though my heart is broken, he is once again whole and restored, and without pain. For that, I can rejoice and be thankful.
Still Riding The Roller Coaster
Doing a quick post from my phone, which I don’t find to be the most user friendly way of posting, so please overlook lack of proper writing. I am sitting at Greg’s bedside. He had gotten moved down the hall to a step down from the LTACH ICU wing he started on, and things were moving along. He even got his trach out. He still wasn’t doing well with therapy. He continues to complain of lower back pain. But, he was starting to feed himself some and was putting on his glasses to see better. All little things, but pretty big to us considering where he was a month ago.
Wednesday, we got a call we weren’t expecting. He suddenly went into respiratory distress, and since the trach was gone, he had to be sedated and intubated again, to go back on vent. That was in the morning. About 6:10 that same evening, things got worse, he could not clear airway, and actually coded. The response team was on it quickly tho, because a respiratory therapist actually was checking on him about the time it was getting serious. He was down less than two minutes when they got his heart beating again. The cause was two large mucous plugs blocking his airway, that he had been unable to clear on his own. If they had not intubated him again that morning, it is likely they would not have been able to get them suctioned out in time to save him, or save him without major damage due to lack of oxygen. Scans and bronchoscopy have been done and the pulmonologist is happy with results and doesn’t think he will have to put trach back in. Today, they are in the process of weaning him off vent and sedation, and hoping to extubate tomorrow.
The very best news from the last two days is that his kidney function has improved so much that the nephrologist thinks he will not need dialysis anymore! That is a huge blessing. A big Praise God for answered prayer.
I have people tell me that they don’t know how I have been so strong in this. The strength is not my own. I am clinging to and standing on the promises of God for dear life. In our weakness, He is strong. That doesn’t mean I understand why all this has happened, I just have to trust that God is big enough, and faithful enough to get me through. And, in my darkest moments, he has yet to let me down.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. Psalm 37:5.
Happy Mother’s Day
I know updates here have been seriously lacking, and I’m sure some of you are wondering what in the world has been happening. Well, quite a lot. Greg is now awake and alert. Yay! However, there are some memory issues that we hope will clear up in time. For instance, he thinks he was in a wreck, and that is why he is in the hospital. There seems to be a little disconnection from reality. It’s hard to explain, but he isn’t asking things like when will he get out, what is next, etc., or how things are at home, or his shop, and that is not like him, at all. He does know all of us, and knows he loves us. He answers questions appropriately. His white blood count went all the way down into the 16,000’s, and we were elated, but as of yesterday…back up to 36,400. New cultures were done and the yeast infection is showing up in his urine again. So, now he is back on antifungals meds, and they also put him on an antibiotic called cubicin. I really worry about what this will do to his kidneys. They were just starting to show some real improvement in the labs ran on them, and the nephrologist is very encouraged about possible/probable return of function with them. I have been praying so hard for those kidneys to come back. This up and down, good news/bad news routine is really tough emotionally. Now, that he is awake, it is even harder to have this four hour separation. I want to be there encouraging him and supporting him, every day. But, in the midst of all of this, my already short-handed department at work is going to be even more short, as my assistant director is retiring this month. I can do a lot of my own work from Lubbock…but, until I can get another officer in place, I will have to be physically present in the office to cover the criminal caseload she has been carrying, etc. So, an already challenging situation just became a bit more challenging, but, this too shall pass. I might just have to pray even harder some days. 🙂 At least I have been blessed to have been able to be there as much as I have. I work for two very family oriented and understanding district judges, and they have been so supportive. I am so appreciative to have that. I am anxiously waiting for that day when we just get on that good roll forward and stay on it. Please pray for his kidneys to not take a big setback with the return of antifungals and antibiotics, and for the eradication of these infections, once and for all! There is also a lower back pain issue that caused some interference with his physical therapy this week. An MRI was ordered, and hopefully we will have the full report from that tomorrow. He needs to be able to work hard to get stronger, and get up out of that bed, so we can get him home! I think if he were “thinking normally”, like his real self, he would push through the pain more, to try to reach that goal. That’s another area where there seems to be a bit of a disconnect, for lack of a better word. I think this post is a little disconnected and rambling, as well…so I will just finish it off with please keep praying for us! And thank you for doing so!
A Beautiful Blessed Easter!
Greg is becoming more responsive every day! Today, the nurse put some lotion on him and asked if that was better, and Greg gave him a thumb up sign! Praise God! He is continuing to respond with head nodding, and head shaking, and mouthing yes and no. I think that speaks volumes regarding his cognitive state.
While at home, I have made a bit more progress on my Stars & Stripes sampler:
Yes, there is still a long road ahead, but I am so, so, sooooo encouraged right now! Again, I thank you all for your prayers, and your continued prayers.
Ramblings From Randi, The Wild Rose Quilter 