Another week…

has passed in this journey.  I had a lot of positive feedback from the last post, publicly and privately. I will, at least for now, continue to share some on my blog about this time in my life. Just getting myself up, and getting presentable for work is a monumental task these days.  I perceive grief almost as an illness…what feels like an incurable disease. I am hopeful that the symptoms will ease with time, but I can’t imagine being completely “cured” or “whole” again. At least not now, while the wound is so raw.  I don’t feel “well”. Not physically, mentally or emotionally. Physically, I am exhausted all the time. Some of you may remember a couple of years ago that I was participating in some of the online weight loss groups. I finally gave up on those last pesky ten pounds. I have lost twenty since the beginning of Greg’s illness, til now. I have trouble sleeping through the night, though during the day, I wish I could be back in bed. An acquaintance I bumped into in town this week asked if it was getting better, with the passage of time. Ummmm…no. An innocent question, I know, with only the best of intentions. But, let’s see…it hasn’t even been a month. At this point, if anything, the missing of Greg seems only to be intensifying. You know the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. At this stage, it’s like he has been gone on an extended fishing trip, and it’s time for him to return home. My mind knows that it will never be, but my heart cannot stop longing for it. Nor, for that matter, can my mind. I want some big red, magic “easy” button, like that from the Staples commercials, that I can just push and put my life back the way it was. With Greg here, present with me, in a physical form. I wonder when, at what point, and how…will these feelings begin to diminish. I find that he is constantly on my mind, no matter what I am doing. I go to work, and try to do one task at a time, and anything I manage to accomplish there feels like a small victory of sorts, and I worry that I am leaving something important undone. My concentration level is not at it’s normal level. People frequently comment to me that I am so strong…am I? I have my doubts. This weekend, I have barely been able to move. I don’t want to do much more than lay around and read. I did manage to write a handful of thank you notes, (still so many to get done) and do a couple loads of laundry, but that’s about it. I have been reading some books about grief, and I encourage others going through a loss to do the same, if for no other reason than to know that what you are feeling is not crazy. It’s so easy to feel that way in the midst of this situation.

Something else I feel in overwhelming proportions, is appreciation. Appreciation for all the love and support that has been shown to Greg, me and our family throughout this whole ordeal.  Even though no one can fix this, the love, support, and prayers do help. And, I am so thankful for all of it.  Whether from friends and family locally, or my “cyberspace” friends.  I believe that it will make me a better friend. I am so much more aware now how important it is to let others know you care, or are thinking about them. You never know when your message may have been received at a most needed moment, or what a difference you might have made for that other person. I want to once again thank each and every one of you that has commented, prayed for me, emailed me, and sent me cards. I haven’t been up to responding to each of you individually, ever since this started, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head that I want to write about, but this is all I can manage for today.  Feel free to share your thoughts in my comments section. I love hearing your stories and points of view, as well.